Like so many of us, Salina has a tendency to analyze everything her partner said or didn’t say and did or didn’t do in her attempt to make sense of what’s going on. What often happens is that she end up making herself absolutely crazy by trying to figure out what it all means. She goes over and over all the minute details of her interaction with the other person and that fuels her obsession and then she finds herself becoming totally strung out on the guy.
Salina is holding a huge amount of hurt within her body because she has never learned how to process her own feelings. The pressure of all these hurts keeps building on the inside. Her internal state of being becomes absolutely unbearable and she begins to unload on her friends or anyone else that she can get to listen to her latest story of love or lack thereof. Having to listen to Salina go on and on becomes very burdensome after a while. It wastes time and leaves the person being dumped on feeling very depleted.
Salina started to unload on me when I ran into her a few weeks ago. I cut her off by saying “What you are doing is not helping your situation at all. There are times when you need to talk to make sense of what’s going on and sort through your feelings. But to continually talk about what’s not working in your love life is a form of resistance. You’re disconnecting from the painful feelings inside your body by going up into your head. Spinning around in your head is escalating your feelings of anxiety and desperation. The fear and pain are getting stuck in your body and that is prolonging your suffering by causing the patterns to become even more deeply entrenched. I understand that you’re trying to find a way to ease your pain, but what you are doing is actually digging the hole deeper.”
I asked Salina to close her eyes and bring the situation to the forefront of her awareness and then tell me how all of that felt within her body. Salina said that she felt a lot of pain and anxiety in her chest. I had Salina breathe into the pain and anxiety for about ten minutes and then I asked her how the feelings had changed. Salina said the pain had softened, but that she was feeling very tired as if she wanted to go to sleep. I explained that holding these painful emotions within the body consumes huge amounts of our life force and it’s normal to feel very tired after processing them.
People like Salina fall into a pattern of talking things to death because they have been deeply wounded and lack the resources or understanding they need to help themselves. Talking about their problems may be the only sense of relief they get from their suffering. They feel overwhelmed by things they have gone through in their lives and the feelings they are experiencing in their bodies. They go up into their heads in an attempt to escape from their suffering and make sense of what’s going on. Disconnecting from their feelings in this way causes much of their body-mind consciousness to freeze up. They may come to an intellectual understanding of their issues, but they often remain stuck in the same patterns indefinitely.
It’s important for us to understand the limitations of our intellectual mind. Our intellect cannot heal the deep emotional wounds that are creating so much pain and suffering in our lives. We’re not going to think our way out of the problem.
What are the deepest feelings behind all of that?
There are times when you do need to talk to sort out your thoughts and make sense of what’s happening, but you cannot always reason your way out of your suffering. You can only think about your issues and concerns for so long before it becomes counterproductive. Talking incessantly about your lovesick dramas will only feed the beast. You will generate far more anxiety, uneasiness and other painful feelings. These feelings will continue to build within your body and that can cause you to get stuck in toxic dysfunctional patterns. That will make you less attractive to the people you want to attract and push the love you desire and all kinds of other things you want further away from you.
Talking incessantly about your problems disconnects you from physical body and your true feelings thereby making it harder to ever process or resolve the underlying issues. It cuts you off from the internal source of nourishment that you derive through your connection to the higher power. It depletes you by sucking the life force out of your body. You also leave other people feeling physically, mentally and emotionally depleted by sucking the life force out of their bodies while simultaneously leaving them with a load of your toxic baggage.
Running your mouth nonstop consumes valuable time and energy that you can be using to do the internal practices that will awaken the innate healing powers that reside within your body and mind. Stop the chatter and pay attention to the processes taking place within your body and mind whenever you find yourself getting caught up in some kind of drama. Notice how you feel within your body when you start going around in circles up in your head talking about what’s going on in your life. Does your thought process allow you to come to a place of resolution or is it generating more anxiety, confusion and leaving you feeling strung out?
Interrupt the circular thought process by asking yourself “What are the deepest feelings behind all of that?” Begin to breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness in the middle of any feelings or sensations that come to your awareness. Continue to follow these feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.
Painful thoughts and feelings have a very intrusive quality about them. The same kinds of thoughts and feelings are going resurface from day to day and especially during those times when you find yourself confronted with difficult or challenging people and situations. Changing these patterns requires a great deal of personal discipline. Just keep interrupting the pattern. Bringing yourself back to the underlying feelings by asking yourself “What’s the deepest feeling behind all of that?” Fully immerse your awareness by dropping down into the middle of the feelings and sensations and keep breathing. The highly charged thoughts and feelings will gradually diminish and be replaced with a growing sense of calm, wellbeing and a greater sense of connection to the source.
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