Patterns of rejection, abandonment and unrequited love and those that cause us to attract unavailable and abusive partners begin to develop within our bodies and mind because we have been seriously wounded at some point in our lives. These patterns can be very difficult to change because they are so deeply ingrained or “hardwired” in our neurology.
The women I found myself attracted to during these times were not well suited for me, but in many instances I kept trying to make things work until the whole thing finally blew up in my face. The projections from my subconscious mind were so powerful. I felt as if I depended upon these women to make me complete and it felt as if I were dying inside when the whole thing finally crashed. Breathing into the feelings helped to soften the pain, but I kept repeating the same pattern. Reenacting these patterns over and over again kept re-traumatizing me.
I finally came to the realization that I could not completely heal on my own and I needed outside intervention to change these deeply entrenched patterns. I started receiving deep tissue body work at regular intervals. Receiving bodywork on a consistent basis brought the emotions held within my body up to the surface so I could process them. Processing these emotions opened space within so I could begin to inhabit my body. Receiving bodywork also gave me the opportunity to experience the much needed human touch and that made it easier for me to associate comfort and pleasure with being present within my physical body.
I lived in Kansas City, Missouri for a few years and later moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Every now and then a healer would come to town. I had the opportunity to work with the Philippino psychic surgeon Brother Max. I also received a session from Mauricio Panisset who was known as “The Man of Light.” Bright lights could be seen flashing from parts of Mauricio’s body like lightening during the healing sessions. The healing sessions helped to dismantle the dysfunctional patterns that had become so deeply ingrained within my body-mind. But I would often have to wait six months to a year between sessions and that just wasn’t enough. I needed to be receiving healing sessions on a regular basis.
I’m very fortunate to have also had the opportunity to train with Horace Daukei, the last surviving traditional doctor among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Native doctors had gone for centuries on the vision quests where they fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. It was during the vision quests that they received the powerful gifts that allowed them to facilitate healing within others.
Horace had taken me on vision quests years before. I felt intimidated by the thought of going again, but I experienced such an incredibly strong pull to come back to the mountain for another vision quest.
Every vision quest has its own theme. I can feel other forces or beings working within my body-mind to facilitate healing while I’m on the mountain. Parts of my life begin to flash before my eyes and then I will experience a whole succession of feelings and images. In many instances these feelings and images are connected to past traumas or times when I felt hurt, betrayed or taken advantage of. It feels as if my whole body-mind operating system is being reformatted as past experiences and the memories and emotions connected to them heal.
People have often asked me about going on a vision quest and many have told me they didn’t think they could make it through such an intense process. The vision quest is too intense for most people, but some individuals could work up to it if they are in very good shape physically and if they commit themselves of doing years of intensive practice and healing sessions to prepare their body and mind.
The vision quest is the most intensely powerful healing practice that one can ever do, but it’s not absolutely necessary for an individual to do it. Many of the benefits that I derive from going on the vision quest are passed on to people that I work with. People who come to me for healing sessions experience the same kinds of changes in their own lives.
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