How Do I Know if a Relationship Is Truly Meant to Be?

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Many people have adopted a mindset that says a relationship will only happen if it’s truly meant to be. Conversely we say “It just wasn’t meant to be” when a relationship does not work out the way we want it to. There is some truth to the fact that we form attachments and remain connected to the people with whom we share a special bond. At other times we do not connect or the relationship breaks apart when there is nothing to hold us together.

Operating from a “if it’s meant to be mindset” can easily become a cop out by preventing us from taking total responsibility for ourselves and our actions. We sometimes interrupt our opportunities to get what we truly want because we are not showing up fully present as active participants in our lives.

Our lives are not predestined. We are faced with all kinds of challenges, and yet life is to a large extent what we make of it. Many of the potential connections we could be enjoying with people who could bring something of great value into our lives never have a chance to develop because of the barriers we have created around ourselves. Relationships often get off to a good start initially, but fail over time because many of us are just not willing to make the commitment to do what it takes for them to thrive. It’s important for us to give any relationship we value our best. If the relationship doesn’t work out the way we wanted it to, then we will at least have the satisfaction of knowing we did the best we could.

I used to be very shy and that often prevented me from engaging with women. That all started to change when I began to confront my fears by approaching the women I found myself attracted to. There were times in my past when my own emotional wounds created a disruptive influence that caused women who initially found me attractive to run in the opposite direction. The process of healing that has taken place as a result of years of intensive practice has made it easier for me to form healthy attachments with partners who are better suited for me. Working with these practices has also made it possible for me to see how the stress, pain and confusion held within people’s bodies that create barriers between themselves and others.

Sometimes we’re not in an open or receptive space to connect with others because we’re way too stressed out about what’s going on in our present day lives. Emotional wounds resulting from past suffering can make it difficult for us to open up to another person. The person we find ourselves attracted to may be operating from a fearful and guarded mindset that causes them to build walls around themselves that prevent anyone from getting close.

Mr. or Ms. Right can show up anytime and anywhere. The person who strikes up a conversation at a supermarket could very well be the best match we will ever encounter in our entire lives. We will never know unless we actually take the risk of talking with the person and follow up with subsequent communication and meet again.

We interrupt many opportunities to connect with the kind of person we long for because of our fears, social inhibitions and rigid mindset that says we can only open up and allow ourselves the opportunity to get to know someone under a very limited set of circumstances.

At other times we may become fixated on a partner who is not healthy for us. These kinds of relationships tend to have an addictive element to them. The painful emotions held within make it difficult for us to let go and move on in our lives. We may even attribute the addictive drama we find ourselves caught up in to some kind of karmic bond.

Native elders from some of the Plains Indian tribes here in the United States sometimes spoke of people who had “died outside of their time” and talked about how they sometimes became stuck in between this world and the afterlife.” Some of the tribal medicine men were known to collect the spirits of those who had experienced an untimely death. The spirits of those who had died outside of their time were held in a bundle kept by the medicine man. The medicine man would then on certain occasions perform a ceremony to help these souls make their transition into the afterlife.

I spent years training with a traditional American Indian doctor. People who have had the opportunity to work with me have healed from anxiety and depression, digestive and respiratory disorders, physical injuries and a wide range other conditions. Many people do not understand how this work would facilitate their healing. Others do a session or two and run as soon as the underlying emotions and issues begin to surface. That saddens me; because I watch many people could heal relatively easily continue to suffer needlessly.

Working for many years as a healer has shown me that there is no predetermined outcome. Things can go in any number of ways and our outcome depends largely upon whether we are able to find the courage to face our challenges and take advantage of the opportunities being presented to us.

People who spend most of their lives avoiding issues and shutting down feelings tend to lose touch with themselves and their own connection to the divine. Those who lose touch with their true feelings often lack the internal compass needed to give them a sense of purpose and direction. The disconnect becomes even greater among those who have become caught up in the toxic cycle of consumption that plagues our society. There seems to be very little synchronicity in the lives of those who have become disconnected from their own internal source and in many respects they are like leaves blowing in the wind. Many have to look outside of themselves to find a sense of meaning and direction.

The greatest challenges I face in my work is people’s resistance to addressing their issues and experiencing their own true feelings. Many have become so numbed out and disconnected that they don’t even realize how bad of shape they are in. Others may have a sense, but they’re just not willing to do what it takes to address the issues. It saddens me because I cannot get through to a lot of people and I watch many who could heal continue to suffer needlessly.

People are much more likely to follow through on those occasions when I’m able to get through and help them to understand the healing process taking place within their body and mind. People who would normally run when the feelings and issues make their way to the surface are far more likely to follow through if they are encouraged by the friend or health care practitioner who initially referred them to me.

So much of what happens in our lives is a series of random occurrences. We also experience moments of synchronicity. Synchronicities become a common occurrence in our lives as we strengthen our connection to the higher power by tapping into our own internal source.

It’s so easy for us to become caught up in the illusion of our projections. There have been many instances in which I thought I had found my true love. But what I thought was love was either very one sided or it quickly fizzled out. I learned that a relationship is not meant to be if I have to try to make it happen. I often had to go through the grief to see that the connection I had attributed great significance to was only an illusion.

My experience has changed dramatically as I have continued to work with the various intensive spiritual practices. Digesting the backlog of highly charged emotion held within has burned away much of the illusion. Unhealthy attachments tend to dissolve and the projections quickly lose their power. In many instances I find myself outgrowing people.

My sensory range has increased as a result of my daily practice and that has enabled me to feel how the painful feelings held within people’s bodies cause them to become fixated on partners who are unavailable and/or abusive. And I can see ever more clearly how people are blinded by their projections. I’m also able to observe these fixations dissolving as I work with people individually and I can see how that frees them up so they can finally let go and move on in their lives. At other times I can feel the bond between a parent and child or between couples that share a deep and powerful connection.

Every now and then someone comes into my life that has a profound impact upon me. In some instances I have experienced a sense of déjà vu and it feels as if some force were drawing us together. The connection with these individuals has a life of its own. I felt this kind of phenomena taking place at the age of twenty when I first encountered and began to train with my mentor Horace Daukei, the traditional native doctor who took me as an apprentice. I experienced something very similar when I learned about Shifu Li Tai Liang and began to train with him in the Internal Martial Arts of Xin Yi Quan and Baguazhang.

I’ve have experienced very powerful connections with friends and women that I have become romantically involved with. I have also experienced this intensity of connection with people who have come into my life for brief periods of time. I do feel that certain people are drawn into my life for a reason. I always feel that I grow in some way as a result of our interaction.

Learn more about how the individual healing sessions can help you to heal the loss of a love and attract a healthier and more loving relationship by going to or calling Ben at (913) 927-4281

©Copyright 2012 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, contact and creation information intact, without specific permission.

Knowing When It’s Time to Let Go

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Carina met Stefan after corresponding with him online for quite some time and felt like she truly connected with him, but it turned out that he, like so many of the other men that she had become involved with, was only in it for sex. Stefan’s words and actions began to evoke a lot of painful feelings from Carina’s past. Stefan stopped returning Carina’s calls after she went off on him and then completely dropped out of the picture.

Carina suffered horribly throughout her childhood and adolescence and has unwittingly continued the cycle of abuse. She has for many years attracted and found herself becoming attached to men who reenact the traumas of her past. Carina went into a rant about how she kept getting f#%ked over by men. I asked Carina to close her eyes, go deep inside, bring the situation with Stefan to the forefront of her awareness and then tell me how she feels. Carina said she was experiencing a sense of deadness accompanied by a tremendous amount of anger.

I said to Carina “I understand that these feelings are very uncomfortable. Those of us who have gone through so much abuse and were deeply hurt tend to store these feelings in our bodies. The pain we hold within throws our radar off and that can make it very difficult for us to get a clear sense of the people we encounter along the way. It impairs our capacity to form healthy attachments. The feelings and energies we emit may also evoke reactions or patterns of behavior in others that cause them to run from us or act in ways that are hurtful.

We often find ourselves getting caught up in the drama when people or the circumstances we find ourselves in trigger the vulnerable or wounded parts ourselves. We resist the pain by fighting the reality of what’s taking place in our lives because it feels so horrible. We do so by trying to control other people or the outcome of a situation.

It is important for us to work consistently to attain whatever it is that we need and desire in life. However, there are also times when despite our best efforts, people and circumstance do not work to our advantage. It’s during these times that we need to come to terms with the fact that we have done all we can do and then let go.

To the best of our ability we need to stop fighting by acknowledging what’s happening in the moment. We then need to ask ourselves “What are the deepest feelings behind all of this drama that we have found ourselves caught up in?” At this point it’s important for us to let down all resistance by opening ourselves with the intention of fully experiencing the feelings being evoked while breathing very softly and deeply. We also need to fully embrace the possibility that we may never get whatever it is we so desperately want and need.

Carina was very resistant to experiencing the feelings pertaining to her interaction with Stefan saying “I feel that by going to those places, I will stay trapped in all those horrible feelings and that will only perpetuate the realities of my life that are causing me so much pain. I don’t want to accept that I’m just going to live here in this apartment and never have a boyfriend or a child and be stuck in the same job for the rest of my life.”

Those of us who go through life shutting down feelings and avoiding the realities we haven’t wanted to face may become very fearful as the issues make their way to the surface. We fear that the feelings and issues we have resisted for so long will totally consume us if we were to ever let down our resistance and then our reality would never change. We assume that by letting go that we would sink into a very deep dark place and never come out of it. Contrary to popular belief, resistance only perpetuates our suffering. Feelings and impressions left over from past hurts held within lock us into a holding pattern of attracting or recreating similar sets of circumstances or dramas such as friends and lovers who abuse and then abandon us.

The hurts, losses and setbacks of our lives that we have failed to process are in many instances the source of our present day suffering. Those of us who have suffered through horrible abuses or traumatic experiences are, in many instances, holding reservoirs of old unprocessed emotional residue within our bodies that have accumulated over the course of many years. These feelings often have a great deal of momentum behind them. Letting go into what’s not working in our lives requires a tremendous amount of faith and courage. For many, it involves doing the exact opposite of what we have been taught to do for our entire lives. In many respects it feels as if we’re jumping off into the abyss.

In times past I found myself growing attached to women who were unavailable and some also reenacted the traumas of my early life. I kept holding on by trying to make things work. I was afraid to let go thinking that if I did, I would never find the love I so desperately needed and desired. The lack of reciprocation was excruciatingly painful and I wasn’t willing to experience the feelings that were surfacing or to accept the reality that I would never get to be with the woman that my projection led me to believe was “the one.” Fighting the reality of what was taking place in my day to day life by trying to hold on and make things work only made things worse.

At some point the whole illusion would come crashing down and that evoked some of the worst feelings imaginable. I felt as if I had fallen into the abyss. The bottom dropped out from under me and then I found myself engulfed in all kinds of horrid feelings. I felt like death on the inside. The thoughts running through my mind during these times were something along the lines of “I don’t know how I’m going to survive or if I will ever have the love or companionship that I need and desire. I don’t know if my situation is ever going to change.”

Having to experience all the feelings attached what wasn’t working in my life was very frightening because I felt and believed at the time that certain individuals or specific outcomes were the only source through which I could meet my basic wants and needs. Intuitively I came to the understanding that the feelings I was most resistant to were the ones I most needed to experience. Painful as it was, I had to totally and completely let go and allow myself to experience the full range of feeling attached to what wasn’t working in my life for healing to take place.

I felt overwhelmed at times and feared that the suffering would never end. The process took considerable amounts of time. In some instances I had to keep breathing into the painful feelings that were surfacing for hours or even days on end. I would often go out and walk for miles while doing this practice when the pain became too unbearable.

I feared that I would never come out the dark space. But something compelled me to stop fighting against the realities unfolding in my life and to fully experience the horrible feelings and the possibility that I may never get what I want. Much to my amazement I could feel a process of change taking place as I continued to breathe into the feelings that were surfacing. Those feelings started to soften and dissolve as a deeper intelligence residing within began to take over. The changes taking place within accelerated as I began to receive deep tissue body work, healing sessions and go on vision quests.

Carina shared her apprehension about allowing herself to experience her true feelings saying “Sometimes I act weird or do things that cause the very thing I don’t want to happen.” The force of the emotions stored within our bodies from past hurtful relationships can have a great deal of momentum behind them and it may feel as if they have a life of their own. These energies and emotions do leak out through our words, actions and the energies we emit. Other people are more likely to react to us when we are in a vulnerable space. It’s important for us to be very mindful during these times by giving more thought to what we say or do.

Much of our lives are spent trying to escape unpleasant realities and the feelings attached to them. We may never allow ourselves to fully experience our vulnerability, but what usually happens is that these feelings remain trapped within the body indefinitely. We spend so much time and energy trying to change our circumstances, our partners or the person we long to be with and yet we never gain access to the underlying source of the problem because of our unwillingness to fully experience the feelings held within.

Some fear that letting go means giving up completely and never getting what we truly need or desire in life. The problem for many of us is that we’re constantly locked in a mode of trying to force things to happen by attempting to control other people or the outcome of a situation. That throws our whole system off balance and disrupts the natural flow.

Fighting or resisting what’s not working in the different areas of our lives only generates more painful feelings and that reinforces the realities that have been causing so much suffering. We may get over a lost love at some point, but we’re very likely to repeat the cycle of crash and burn again with the next person comes along that we find ourselves becoming attached to.

There are times when we need to completely let go of all possibility of ever getting what it is that we are struggling so hard to make happen. Letting go will help us to get in touch with the underlying fear and pain that we are so resistant to. Working through these painful feelings facilitates healing of the deep emotional wounds that cause us so much suffering. Our intuition will grow stronger as a result. We will get a better sense of when it’s time to let go. And we will also feel compelled to take action at those times when it is appropriate.

Becoming fully present to the realities unfolding in our lives and allowing ourselves to experience what we feel in response to them can be very intimidating for us initially. For some of us, it may feel as though we’re about to go over the edge or that we might die. The process becomes easier as we continue to breathe softly and deeply while experiencing the full range of feelings and sensations connected to the issues that are of concern to us. It’s important to understand that we’re not going to stay in these difficult spaces forever. We will in time come out the other side. And when we do we will find that we have grown stronger and have access to more of the resources we need to live a full, productive and meaningful life.

Teaching ourselves to become fully present can be challenging at times. The first steps of letting go involves fully acknowledging what’s taking place in our lives and then noting what we are feeling in response to other people or the circumstances affecting us. We then need to do the best we can to fully immerse our awareness within these feelings wherever they are located in our bodies while breathing softly and deeply. The feelings may initially intensify, spread or move into other areas of our body or go through a process of transformation in which they change to other sets of feelings and sensations. It’s important that we continue to follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.

Our typical response when we feel angry, hurt or fearful is to contract or to try to control other people or the outcome of a situation, but in doing so we shut down the flow of creation which leaves us disconnected from our authentic internal core. Breathing into the feelings and sensations that arise when things are not working the way we want them to helps us to tap into the innate healing intelligence that resides within. This greater intelligence facilitates a process of digestion that enables us to come to terms with what is. We become more flexible and adaptive in ways that make it easier for us to go with the natural flow. We gain new insights and become more understanding and resourceful in ways that enable us to recognize and take advantage of the new opportunities. With consistent practice we learn to take whatever is happening in our lives and use it as fuel for our own personal growth and development.

Learn more about how the individual healing sessions can help you to heal the loss of a love and attract a healthier and more loving relationship by going to or calling Ben at (913) 927-4281

©Copyright 2012 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, contact and creation information intact, without specific permission.