Carina met Stefan after corresponding with him online for quite some time and felt like she truly connected with him, but it turned out that he, like so many of the other men that she had become involved with, was only in it for sex. Stefan’s words and actions began to evoke a lot of painful feelings from Carina’s past. Stefan stopped returning Carina’s calls after she went off on him and then completely dropped out of the picture.

Carina suffered horribly throughout her childhood and adolescence and has unwittingly continued the cycle of abuse. She has for many years attracted and found herself becoming attached to men who reenact the traumas of her past. Carina went into a rant about how she kept getting f#%ked over by men. I asked Carina to close her eyes, go deep inside, bring the situation with Stefan to the forefront of her awareness and then tell me how she feels. Carina said she was experiencing a sense of deadness accompanied by a tremendous amount of anger.

I said to Carina “I understand that these feelings are very uncomfortable. Those of us who have gone through so much abuse and were deeply hurt tend to store these feelings in our bodies. The pain we hold within throws our radar off and that can make it very difficult for us to get a clear sense of the people we encounter along the way. It impairs our capacity to form healthy attachments. The feelings and energies we emit may also evoke reactions or patterns of behavior in others that cause them to run from us or act in ways that are hurtful.

We often find ourselves getting caught up in the drama when people or the circumstances we find ourselves in trigger the vulnerable or wounded parts ourselves. We resist the pain by fighting the reality of what’s taking place in our lives because it feels so horrible. We do so by trying to control other people or the outcome of a situation.

It is important for us to work consistently to attain whatever it is that we need and desire in life. However, there are also times when despite our best efforts, people and circumstance do not work to our advantage. It’s during these times that we need to come to terms with the fact that we have done all we can do and then let go.

To the best of our ability we need to stop fighting by acknowledging what’s happening in the moment. We then need to ask ourselves “What are the deepest feelings behind all of this drama that we have found ourselves caught up in?” At this point it’s important for us to let down all resistance by opening ourselves with the intention of fully experiencing the feelings being evoked while breathing very softly and deeply. We also need to fully embrace the possibility that we may never get whatever it is we so desperately want and need.

Carina was very resistant to experiencing the feelings pertaining to her interaction with Stefan saying “I feel that by going to those places, I will stay trapped in all those horrible feelings and that will only perpetuate the realities of my life that are causing me so much pain. I don’t want to accept that I’m just going to live here in this apartment and never have a boyfriend or a child and be stuck in the same job for the rest of my life.”

Those of us who go through life shutting down feelings and avoiding the realities we haven’t wanted to face may become very fearful as the issues make their way to the surface. We fear that the feelings and issues we have resisted for so long will totally consume us if we were to ever let down our resistance and then our reality would never change. We assume that by letting go that we would sink into a very deep dark place and never come out of it. Contrary to popular belief, resistance only perpetuates our suffering. Feelings and impressions left over from past hurts held within lock us into a holding pattern of attracting or recreating similar sets of circumstances or dramas such as friends and lovers who abuse and then abandon us.

The hurts, losses and setbacks of our lives that we have failed to process are in many instances the source of our present day suffering. Those of us who have suffered through horrible abuses or traumatic experiences are, in many instances, holding reservoirs of old unprocessed emotional residue within our bodies that have accumulated over the course of many years. These feelings often have a great deal of momentum behind them. Letting go into what’s not working in our lives requires a tremendous amount of faith and courage. For many, it involves doing the exact opposite of what we have been taught to do for our entire lives. In many respects it feels as if we’re jumping off into the abyss.

In times past I found myself growing attached to women who were unavailable and some also reenacted the traumas of my early life. I kept holding on by trying to make things work. I was afraid to let go thinking that if I did, I would never find the love I so desperately needed and desired. The lack of reciprocation was excruciatingly painful and I wasn’t willing to experience the feelings that were surfacing or to accept the reality that I would never get to be with the woman that my projection led me to believe was “the one.” Fighting the reality of what was taking place in my day to day life by trying to hold on and make things work only made things worse.

At some point the whole illusion would come crashing down and that evoked some of the worst feelings imaginable. I felt as if I had fallen into the abyss. The bottom dropped out from under me and then I found myself engulfed in all kinds of horrid feelings. I felt like death on the inside. The thoughts running through my mind during these times were something along the lines of “I don’t know how I’m going to survive or if I will ever have the love or companionship that I need and desire. I don’t know if my situation is ever going to change.”

Having to experience all the feelings attached what wasn’t working in my life was very frightening because I felt and believed at the time that certain individuals or specific outcomes were the only source through which I could meet my basic wants and needs. Intuitively I came to the understanding that the feelings I was most resistant to were the ones I most needed to experience. Painful as it was, I had to totally and completely let go and allow myself to experience the full range of feeling attached to what wasn’t working in my life for healing to take place.

I felt overwhelmed at times and feared that the suffering would never end. The process took considerable amounts of time. In some instances I had to keep breathing into the painful feelings that were surfacing for hours or even days on end. I would often go out and walk for miles while doing this practice when the pain became too unbearable.

I feared that I would never come out the dark space. But something compelled me to stop fighting against the realities unfolding in my life and to fully experience the horrible feelings and the possibility that I may never get what I want. Much to my amazement I could feel a process of change taking place as I continued to breathe into the feelings that were surfacing. Those feelings started to soften and dissolve as a deeper intelligence residing within began to take over. The changes taking place within accelerated as I began to receive deep tissue body work, healing sessions and go on vision quests.

Carina shared her apprehension about allowing herself to experience her true feelings saying “Sometimes I act weird or do things that cause the very thing I don’t want to happen.” The force of the emotions stored within our bodies from past hurtful relationships can have a great deal of momentum behind them and it may feel as if they have a life of their own. These energies and emotions do leak out through our words, actions and the energies we emit. Other people are more likely to react to us when we are in a vulnerable space. It’s important for us to be very mindful during these times by giving more thought to what we say or do.

Much of our lives are spent trying to escape unpleasant realities and the feelings attached to them. We may never allow ourselves to fully experience our vulnerability, but what usually happens is that these feelings remain trapped within the body indefinitely. We spend so much time and energy trying to change our circumstances, our partners or the person we long to be with and yet we never gain access to the underlying source of the problem because of our unwillingness to fully experience the feelings held within.

Some fear that letting go means giving up completely and never getting what we truly need or desire in life. The problem for many of us is that we’re constantly locked in a mode of trying to force things to happen by attempting to control other people or the outcome of a situation. That throws our whole system off balance and disrupts the natural flow.

Fighting or resisting what’s not working in the different areas of our lives only generates more painful feelings and that reinforces the realities that have been causing so much suffering. We may get over a lost love at some point, but we’re very likely to repeat the cycle of crash and burn again with the next person comes along that we find ourselves becoming attached to.

There are times when we need to completely let go of all possibility of ever getting what it is that we are struggling so hard to make happen. Letting go will help us to get in touch with the underlying fear and pain that we are so resistant to. Working through these painful feelings facilitates healing of the deep emotional wounds that cause us so much suffering. Our intuition will grow stronger as a result. We will get a better sense of when it’s time to let go. And we will also feel compelled to take action at those times when it is appropriate.

Becoming fully present to the realities unfolding in our lives and allowing ourselves to experience what we feel in response to them can be very intimidating for us initially. For some of us, it may feel as though we’re about to go over the edge or that we might die. The process becomes easier as we continue to breathe softly and deeply while experiencing the full range of feelings and sensations connected to the issues that are of concern to us. It’s important to understand that we’re not going to stay in these difficult spaces forever. We will in time come out the other side. And when we do we will find that we have grown stronger and have access to more of the resources we need to live a full, productive and meaningful life.

Teaching ourselves to become fully present can be challenging at times. The first steps of letting go involves fully acknowledging what’s taking place in our lives and then noting what we are feeling in response to other people or the circumstances affecting us. We then need to do the best we can to fully immerse our awareness within these feelings wherever they are located in our bodies while breathing softly and deeply. The feelings may initially intensify, spread or move into other areas of our body or go through a process of transformation in which they change to other sets of feelings and sensations. It’s important that we continue to follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.

Our typical response when we feel angry, hurt or fearful is to contract or to try to control other people or the outcome of a situation, but in doing so we shut down the flow of creation which leaves us disconnected from our authentic internal core. Breathing into the feelings and sensations that arise when things are not working the way we want them to helps us to tap into the innate healing intelligence that resides within. This greater intelligence facilitates a process of digestion that enables us to come to terms with what is. We become more flexible and adaptive in ways that make it easier for us to go with the natural flow. We gain new insights and become more understanding and resourceful in ways that enable us to recognize and take advantage of the new opportunities. With consistent practice we learn to take whatever is happening in our lives and use it as fuel for our own personal growth and development.

Learn more about how the individual healing sessions can help you to heal the loss of a love and attract a healthier and more loving relationship by going to or calling Ben at (913) 927-4281

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