Mismatch.com: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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mismatch dot com
The thought of meeting someone online always felt very strange to me, but I ended up posting profiles on a few different websites after moving to New York because I found it much more difficult to connect with the women I encountered in the city.

I have always wanted to travel and spend time in different countries and thought posting a profile on line might provide an opportunity to meet women from other cultures. I posted profiles on a few different websites and got very mixed results. Women whose profile I responded to usually didn’t respond to me. After a while, I stopped responding to women’s profiles and left mine up for a year or two so women who were interested could contact me.

Many of the encounters felt very awkward. Either there was no chemistry or attraction and in some instances it was obvious that neither of us felt very comfortable. There were a number of occasions where I felt I just wanted to eject myself from the whole situation.

Online dating seemed to work better in India. Indian matchmaking sites are geared primarily towards marriage. I wasn’t really attracted to anyone that I met online, but I ended up meeting and becoming friends with a number of the women who responded to my profile. In many instances I also got to know their friends and families.

Something about the whole experience of meeting online felt very artificial to me. After a while I decided that I wasn’t going to deal with online matchmaking any longer and took my profiles down.

I was telling my friend Natasha that I feel much more comfortable meeting women face to face. I rather engage with the women I encounter wherever I happen to find myself. We all have physical preferences and I prefer to see what a woman actually looks like. I can feel the emotions that women are holding within their bodies, the issues they are dealing with and get a better sense of their outlook on life. I can feel the limitations that hold them back and the resources that enable them to excel in other areas of their lives. I see and feel a woman’s level of intelligence and can pick up on other traits, attributes and subtle nuances. I can also recognize the red flags that forewarn me of potential dangers and let me know that I need to be careful or to not get involved.

I like to hear and feel the sound of a woman’s voice. I listen to her words and tonality of her voice and I can get a better feeling of where she’s are coming from. I can also sense whether the women I meet are being honest or if they’re hiding something. This gives me a much more realistic sense of the woman I’m interacting with rather than anything she could ever write in an online profile.

Natasha looked at me and said that not everyone is that in touch with their feelings and intuition.

I responded by saying “People tend to lose touch with their feelings and physical bodies when they shut down emotionally and that can make it especially difficult for them to access their intuition. Either they cannot get an intuitive sense of the person in front of them or they have never learned to trust and rely upon their own senses.”

People in many parts of the world rely upon their intuition on a daily basis to make important decisions. They are able to tune into their intuition whenever they meet or interact with other people. I’ve lived on American Indian reservations and have spent lots of time in other parts of the world where I was forced to rely upon my intuition as a matter of personal survival.

We all can and need to develop the sensitivity that will enable us to sense what other people are about. Working with the practice of breathing into my feelings and sensations and all the other healing practices I have done has enabled me to develop and refine my own sensitivity.

Personals ads used to be relegated to the classified ads section of our local newspapers in years past. People generally met one another through introduction by friends or family members or they would approach and then engage the men or women they found themselves attracted to in conversation.

Online matchmaking has become a huge moneymaking business. The people who operate eHarmony, match.com, and shaadi.com and thousands of other matchmaking sites are capitalizing off of our fear, isolation, loneliness and social ineptitude which are bi-products of the cultural trance many of us are living in that tells us we are not safe getting to know and interact with people we encounter as we move through the world.

I’m not against online dating. I know people who have had wonderful success with online dating and have gone out on lots of dates with all kinds of interesting people. I know others who have found the love of their lives through online matchmaking sites. I encourage people to be open to any means of meeting potential partners. I just feel that it’s very unhealthy for people become so reliant upon online dating that it prevents them from developing important social skills or interacting directly with one another.

People living in rural areas often contend with the reality of having a very limited selection of perspective mates to chose from. Those of us who live in places like New York City and Boston are surrounded by thousands of available men and women. It’s unfortunate that many of us have become so fearful of one another that we cannot start a conversation, exchange contact information, email and talk on the phone and then meet again.

Online matchmaking often sets the stage for duplicity. People who post profiles on line can easily create the kind of image they want to portray to prospective suitors. The problem is that we cannot see the real personality of the individual whose profile we are viewing because that person is not right here in front of us.

People often lie about their age, weight, height and other important personal details in their online profiles. Some even lie about their marital status. Many lie because they are afraid that they won’t attract the kind of person they desire to meet if they are truthful and others are just downright dishonest.

We often respond to the profiles of people whose photo’s appeal to us. But many people do not really look like the pictures they post online. Sometimes we see someone face to face and they turn out to be a completely different person than we expected to meet.

On line matchmaking has transformed the process of finding love into an application for our computers and smart phones. People searching through profiles quickly evaluate the profiles of prospective matches according to their age, photo, social status, profession, hobbies and various other factors. Those who do not meet specific criteria are quickly eliminated.

Many people rather send text messages or interact with other people online because of their own insecurities and unwillingness to show up and be present in a relationship or deal with the realities of our physical day to day existence. We cannot directly participate in our own lives when we are hiding behind the screen of a computer. For this reason we are going backwards in terms of our own growth and development.

My friend Natasha commented to me the other day that people often turn and look away if she makes eye contact or smiles at them. It’s very sad to see how so many people are cocooning themselves.

We are becoming more and more isolated. Our isolation is largely a result of our fears of other people, our unwillingness to experience our true feelings and face our issues and our over reliance upon computers, smart phones and other technology. The technology that was designed to serve us is now enslaving us. We go about our day to day existence living in a bubble because we are so hooked into our on line social networks that we cease to participate in life by directly engaging with those around us.

We are now living in a culture where people assume that it is normal to meet total strangers online, but we are not open to approaching or being approached by that same individual during the course of our day. Either we are afraid to approach or we become fearful and put up a wall just because someone starts talking to us. It’s tragic that many people cannot even recognize how dysfunctional we have become.

People often hide behind computers screens because they have never really develop the social skills that are necessary to approach others or to respond appropriately while being approached. In many ways online matchmaking is making it harder and harder for people to directly engage with one another because it is reinforcing our lack of social skills and the fears that are keeping us isolated.

Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Shut down your computer and turn off your smart phone. Get off your ass, go out there and start participating in life. Start making eye contact and engage with the people around you. Keep yourself open to being approached by other interesting people.

Tune into senses by noticing how you feel within your body as you interact with people. Disengage if you feel uncomfortable with someone. Exchange contact info if you get a good feeling about the person you are connecting to. Email or talk on the phone …and meet again …and again …and again! Take time to get to know the people you feel drawn to. Proceed from there when it feels right.

©Copyright 2013 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, contact, creation and information intact, without specific permission.

Freeing Ourselves from the Vicious Cycle of Obsessive Thought

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obsessive thoughtsWe can easily fall into patterns of obsessive thought when we’re under a great deal of stress. And when that happens, we tend to go over and over the same thoughts and feelings. Obsessive thinking seldom brings about any true resolution of the matter. Thinking about the matters that are of concern to us is only useful to a certain point and after that we’re only recycling what we’ve already gone over. Circular thinking creates a vicious cycle by causing our anxiety to escalate and that only intensifies our obsessive thought patterns. Circular thinking becomes a trap that keeps us stuck in our heads. We become fixated and that prevents us from going through the internal processes needed to facilitate growth; therefore we continue to cycle through the same dramas.

There are many different levels of activity operating within our minds. Powerful currents of memory, thought and emotion operate beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. These forces are the drivers that create the underlying themes that play out in our lives and shape our personality. And then there are levels of surface thought and feeling that run through our conscious mind. Most people live their lives caught up in the surface drama, but they never really get to the underlying source of what’s driving them.

I make concerted effort to be aware of my own internal processes. I’ll force myself to stop whenever I notice myself going over and over the same thoughts. I then ask myself, “What are the deepest feelings behind all of this drama or mental chatter?” And then I start breathing into any feelings that I can gain access to.

Breathing into the feelings as they arise takes me right to the source of the issues by helping me to access the deeper levels of thoughts and feelings along with the memories of experiences pertaining to any unresolved issues. Pieces start coming together as I begin to recognize the connection between my current situation and the unresolved issues from earlier parts of my life. The greater healing intelligence residing within facilitates a process that enables me to digest these thoughts, feelings and experiences. It also brings consciousness into parts of my psyche that have been playing out limiting or destructive patterns. Continued practice has made me conscious of patterns of behavior that I was previously oblivious to, and has allowed me to change the way that I move through the world.

Breathing into the anxiety and other feelings that lie beneath the anxious mental chatter diffuses the underlying emotional force that fuels obsessive thoughts. It’s important for us to understand that there will still be instances where we find ourselves getting caught up in the dramas unfolding in our lives. We will at times have to refocus our attention on the underlying feelings.

Obsessive thought exists along a continuum. Everyone experiences obsessive thoughts at some time along the way. We sometimes worry about the well-being of friends and family. We obsess about our love interests any time we wait for their call or hope they will reciprocate our feelings or try to figure out why act as they do. Those of us who struggle to get by often worry about whether we will be able to make enough money to make ends meet.

Chronic patterns of obsessive thought often arise in response to the emotional wounding that occurs at various stages in our lives. This wounding is compounded by the fact that we did not possess the understanding or resources necessary to facilitate healing.

Overwhelming or traumatically stressful events can easily elicit powerful emotional states that in turn trigger powerful biochemical reactions within the brain. The combination of powerful emotions and the brains biochemical response often becomes a habituated body-mind reaction that can easily be triggered by situations, people or issues that act as a reminder of the initial traumas or stressful life events.

The practice that I’m sharing with you has been an important part of my healing process. I soon realized that I didn’t possess all the resources I needed to completely heal on my own. I began to work with a number of exceptionally powerful healers whenever the opportunity presented itself. And then I began to go on the vision quest, a traditional Native American practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. It was during the vision quests that I healed and developed the gifts that have made it possible for me to facilitate healing in others.

The presence working through me during the individual healing sessions does a “reset” of the entire body-mind system. The emotional triggers associated with obsessive thought are dismantled and replaced with newer healthier models that facilitate more adaptive and resourceful responses to life’s challenges. You will become much calmer and develop a more grounded presence as the highly charged emotions fueling your obsessive thoughts are diffused and then digested. New resources begin to emerge that will enable you to become far more effective in all areas of your life. You will also develop the capacity to relax and let go when needed so that you can better flow with life as it unfolds.

©Copyright 2013 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.

Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian Tribe. The individual sessions will free you of patterns of obsessive thought by facilitate healing of the deep emotional wounds. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.

Does Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin Care About Her Native American Constituency and the Mountain They Hold Sacred?

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Governor Mary 2
Longhorn Mountain has tremendous spiritual significance and is considered to be the most sacred of all sites by the Kiowa people of Oklahoma. Longhorn Mountain is used by the Kiowa, Comanche, Apache and other surrounding Plains Indian tribes for prayer, the vision quest and events of other religious significance. Native people go to pray for their families in times of illness and death. They also burn the cedar gathered from Longhorn Mountain for the purpose of purification.

Longhorn Mountain is currently facing a serious threat. The landowners that currently own the western half of the mountain have leased the land to Stewart Stone of Cushing Oklahoma, a rock crushing company that would strip mine the Kiowa tribe’s sacred Longhorn Mountain turning it into the gravel that is used to pave our highways. The destruction of Longhorn Mountain would be a tragic loss and an act of cultural genocide perpetrated against the Kiowa people and all traditional Native Americans.

I called Governor Fallin’s office to express my concern about the impending threat to Longhorn Mountain. The Governor’s assistant demonstrated a complete lack of interest or concern saying to me “We do not get involved in such matters.

I then told Governor Fallin’s assistant “The state of Oklahoma is on the verge of losing a rare historical treasure, the sacred mountain where the Kiowa, Comanche and Apache have gone to do their vision quests for centuries and you’re telling us that you do not get involved in such matters.”

Governor Fallin’s assistant then told me that I needed to call the Agriculture and Highway Departments.

May I remind you that Oklahoma and the rest of the nation was all Native American land? A systematic campaign of ethnic cleansing or genocide was perpetrated against the Native population. The vast majority of Native lands were forcefully taken in the process.

Longhorn Mountain is one of the very few sacred sites located in the state of Oklahoma where Native Americans go to do the vision quest. The destruction of Longhorn Mountain would be a tremendous historical loss for the state of Oklahoma. And it would be an especially devastating loss to the Kiowa, Comanche and Apache and traditional native people from other tribes that hold Longhorn Mountain sacred.

Governor Fallin, The least you can do is work to protect what little native people have left by helping us to get state and federal recognition of Longhorn Mountain as a historical and Native American Sacred site. Your immediate attention to this matter will be greatly appreciated.

Please sign our petition to Save Longhorn Mountain:

https://www.change.org/petitions/oklahoma-state-government-save-longhorn-mountain?utm_campaign=share_button_action_box&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition

And please contact Governor Mary Fallin and let her know how important Longhorn Mountain is to us.

Oklahoma State Capitol
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd., Room 212
Oklahoma City, OK 73105

Local: (405) 521-2342
Fax: (405) 521-3353

Tulsa Office of Governor Mary Fallin
440 S. Houston Ave., Suite 304
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74127

Phone (918) 581-2801
Fax (918) 581-2835

You can also email Governor Fallon:
https://www.ok.gov/triton/modules/formbuilder/form.php?form_id=2ab143b4bba6b0e9da3235121bf3a7ef73719541e049cc5bcddf8ed1564dac13