Meditation to Heal the Loss of Your Ex

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tears
We tend to carry our former partners around with us on the inside. Some of the more pleasant experiences and memories continue to nourish us as we go on in life. My former fiancé demonstrated to me that a woman could love me very deeply. That part of our experience together was very healing for me.

We also faced a lot of very difficult challenges in our relationship. Suganya lives in Sri Lanka and I was commuting back and forth every few months. My desire is to eventually settle in this part of the world, but I still have work to do in North America before I’m free to go. The geographical distance between us and the expense involved in traveling to see one another created huge amounts of stress.

There’s a form of narcissism that’s fairly prevalent throughout South Asia. Many parents feel entitled to tell their adult children who they can and cannot marry. Those who fail to comply are sometimes disowned. There have been many instances where young men and women have been killed by family members for marrying the person of their own choosing. The stress created by certain members of Suganya’s family eventually pushed her to the breaking point. I know she gave the best she could and yet the loss was still very painful.

It took me a long time to get over Suganya. I continued to dream about Suganya and the painful longing for her stayed with me for quite some time. The longing would gradually ease up every time I went on the vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water.

I was still carrying Suganya around on the inside of me. I had to make a conscientious effort to “digest” Suganya, our experience together and all of the subsequent emotions so that I could let go and move on in my life. I started my practice by picturing Suganya and then I would notice the feelings and physical sensations that arose and where they were situated in my body. I would then breathe softly and deeply with my awareness centered in the midst of these feelings and sensations.

The feelings were very painful right after the breakup but they gradually diminished in intensity over time. Every now and then I would get hit with these waves of hurt, sadness, loss and the horrible feeling of knowing that I wouldn’t get to be with her. I would breathe into all of those feelings whenever they surfaced. After some time I felt a sense of emptiness, flatness or deadness in my chest. I realized that parts of me had shut down as a result of losing Suganya. I made a real concerted effort to remain fully present to this more subtle sense by breathing into the dead empty void.

Breathing into whatever I felt at any given time dislodged all kinds of feelings and energies that had been trapped within my body. I would find myself remembering all kinds of things that happened over the course of our relationship. And that brought even more feelings to the surface. With continued practice I could tell that I was breathing life back into the parts of me that had shut down. That made it easier for me to let go of Suganya, while freeing up my heart so that I could gradually move on.

I still miss Suganya at times, and part of me will always love her. She’s very warm, caring and fun to be with. I could see her growing stronger and becoming more independent during the time we were together. She even went back to school during that time. I had hoped to encourage her growth, but she couldn’t sustain it. I don’t know that the relationship could work over the long term because she seems more interested in pleasing her family and following the traditional roles ascribed to men and women. I couldn’t see that she was learning and growing beyond a certain point. Losing Suganya definitely hurt, but I learned a lot from her, our relationships, mistakes that I made and I have grown from the experience. Making use of this practice and the various healing interventions has made it possible for me to transform my experience with Suganya into fuel for growth.

People show up in my classes all the time after a painful breakup or divorce. The many years of intensive practice has opened my sensory channels to the extent I can see and feel how they continue to hold their former partners in their bodies and minds. I can often feel the pain emanating from their bodies. At times they appear battered and bruised. Their hearts may even be torn open from the pain of their losses.

I’ll take these individual through a meditative process to heal from the loss of a love described below.

There are five steps to the meditation to heal the loss of a love

1) Picture your former partner as though he or she were immediately in front of you. See and feel their presence.
2) Notice all the feelings and sensations that arise as you continue to hold your former partner in the forefront your awareness. Experience the feelings as they are without trying to change them.
3) Notice where these feelings and sensations are situated within your body.
4) Breathe softly and deeply as you fully immerse your awareness within the middle of these feelings and sensations.
5) Continue to follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression

Most people never fully process the loss of a love. Much of the hurt and disappointment that we experience when our partners say and do hurtful things remains trapped within our bodies. The resulting deadening of our consciousness diminishes our capacity to love and be loved. Breathing softly and deeply whole holding our former partners in our awareness helps us to bring the feelings anger, fear, resentment, hurt and disappointment to the surface so they can be processed. Processing these feelings facilitates the awakening of the innate healing intelligence residing with our body and mind. Everything we experience within the context of our relationships can then be transformed so that it becomes fuel for growth.

I began to develop this practice during my mid-twenties. The grief of losing a love could be excruciating at times, but the feelings would gradually soften as I continued to breathe into them. Some losses took a long time to work through and others would resolve themselves fairly quickly. Many of the same feelings would resurface for quite some time. I just keep reminding myself to breathe into them.

I made a conscientious effort to be fully present with the feelings whenever they arose and to allow the process to take whatever time it needed to take. I would sometimes breathe into the feelings of loss for hours at a time when I was in the midst of a breakup. I would continue to breathe into the feelings whenever they surfaced during the days, evenings and when they woke me up during the middle of the night. I could usually put a lid on the feelings and attend to the task at hand whenever I needed to be fully functional. I could always pick up where I left off afterwards.

The process became much easier over time and that helped me to let go and move on when I needed to. Working with this practice has opened my heart so that I can be more present in my interactions with others. It has also increased my capacity to love and be loved.

The loss of a love can at times be especially devastating. The meditation practice that I’m describing in this chapter is a very critical part of the healing process. There are also times when we need outside intervention to facilitate the parts of the healing process that we cannot do completely on our own. To this day I still rely upon the vision quest. The vision quest is far too intensive for most people. However, those who work with me one on one experience many of the same kinds of changes as a result of the individual healing sessions.

The presence working through me during the individual sessions actually heals the parts of the self that have been deeply wounded. You will “digest” your former partner, everything that’s happened over the course of your relationships and along with any feelings of grief, loss, hurt, sadness or disappointment. You will find it easier to let go and develop the resilience needed to bounce back and move on in your life. Your heart will open thereby increasing your capacity to love and be loved.

©Copyright 2015 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.

Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.

Creating Your Own Daily Regimen of Healing and Personal Growth

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Discipline
Those who have attained mastery in the various ancient spiritual traditions typically spend two, three, four, six, eight or even more hours of intensive practice a day. You might be thinking “Who has time for that?” Obviously some people do. The concert pianists and the Olympic athletes that many of us admire spend hours a day training. And so do many other people committed to various fields of study and other disciplines.

All of us are unique in that we have different needs and circumstances and that will to a large extent determine the kinds of practices we do, the extent of our commitment and the amount of time we invest.

Parenting can be a full time job, especially for those who are caring for young children. A single parent who is the sole source of support may have very little time to devote to practice. Some of us have considerably more time on our hands.

People in our modern day culture often wonder why anyone would devote so much of their time and energy doing these various forms of intensive practice. There are many reasons. Some do intensive meditation practices to deepen their connection with the higher power. Martial artist will practice in order to develop higher levels of skill. Traditional Native American Indian doctors would continue to go on the vision quest in order to develop a greater range of healing powers. One can also practice to facilitate the healing of the deep emotional wounds and to increase their capacity to love and be loved. The possibilities are endless.

I started working with various practices with the intention of healing the wounds resulting from the traumas of my own childhood and adolescence. A big part of what motivated me was the desire to have someone in my life that I could love and be loved by. Another motivation was the traditional Native American doctors that possessed truly amazing gifts of healing. I’m also motivated by those who have attained mastery in the Internal Martial Arts of Xin Yi Quan and Baguazhang. Through continued practice they developed ever increasing levels of proficiency. I have always felt that we as human beings are far too limited and had a fascination with the paranormal. One of the things that fascinated me most about the various ancient traditions is that those who attain mastery in them often develop paranormal gifts and abilities.

I do hours of intensive practice on a daily basis for the purpose of developing my body and mind. I usually start practicing from the time I get up in the morning. I begin the day with intensive Chi Gong practices to build internal power. I then practice the various forms of Xin Yi Quan. That can take two to three hours.

I usually do the various forms of meditative practice that I developed to help me process whatever is going on in my life for at least an hour a day. I will do more Chi Gong practice if I have additional time. I also spend fifteen to twenty minutes working with some of the mantras that I’ve learned from the Vedic tradition. All this practice takes at least three and a half hours a day, but I see it is as an essential part of the work that I need to do to maintain physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing and to continue to develop as a healer.

Intensive daily practice is a critically important part of healing and personal development and yet I am also very cognizant of the limitations of practicing on my own. I seek out various interventions on a regular basis. I make a point of receiving deep tissue body work at monthly intervals. I usually jump whenever the opportunity to work with a gifted healer presents itself. The problem here is that these individuals are very few and far between in this part of the world. For this reason I have relied heavily upon the vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food or water. It is through the vision quest that many of the traditional Native American doctors developed the gifts and abilities the enabled them to facilitate healing within others. I have been going on the vision quests twice a year for over twenty years now.

I’m only sharing my own regimen as an example. Your own circumstances and needs may vary tremendously from mine. However you do need to be doing some form of intensive practice to develop your body and mind on a daily basis. Failure to do so will invariably lead to stagnation. Those of us who are suffering as a result of past trauma, struggling with depression and anxiety, grieving the loss of a love or caught up in patterns of abandonment and unrequited love especially need to be doing practice on a daily basis to facilitate the healing of the deep emotional wounds.

I recommend that you do at least an hour of practice a day. You need to create your own daily regimen. That could include yoga or some form of martial art, Chi Gong, Pranayama or other forms of meditative practice to mention a few.

We all have emotional responses to the people, situations, circumstances and issues concerning us. We all need to learn to work constructively with our feelings. The practices I teach facilitate this process. Begin by of acknowledging what’s happening in your life. Notice what you feel in response to it. Center your awareness in the part of your body where you experience these feelings. Breathe softly and deeply while immersing your consciousness in the middle of any feelings or bodily sensations that arise. Follow the feelings and sensations as they go through their progression.

Intensive daily practice is an important part of increasing your competency and expanding your range of motion. The adversity you encounter along the way will not be quite so overwhelming or devastating as you develop greater mental, emotional, physical and spiritual resilience. Practice will make it easier for you get over the pain of a breakup and other setbacks. That will enable you to bounce back more readily.

Many of us are suffering from depression, anxiety, emotionally traumatic issues and a wide range of physiological health issues. We need to take some time to explore various practices to determine those that are best for us. Our bodies and minds can heal and our lives can be transformed when we commit to a daily regimen of intensive practice. It’s this commitment to doing what is best for ourselves that will facilitate continued growth and personal development.

©Copyright 2015 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.

Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.

What to Do When the Pain of a Breakup Won’t Let You Sleep

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Can't Sleep

We operate primarily from our conscious mind during our normal waking hours. And then our subconscious mind takes over when we’re sleeping. Our subconscious is far more vast and powerful than the conscious mind. It is also the repository of the vast amount of memory, emotion and life history that we have failed to process.

The defensive armor that enables us to contain the backlog of emotion stored within our bodies softens whenever we consume alcohol and other substances, become physically ill or suffer as a result of an injury. We’re more likely to act out by doing things we wouldn’t normally do while sober when we are under the influence of alcohol and other substances. We tend to feel a greater sense of emotional vulnerability at times when we become physically ill or suffer from some form of injury.

The defensive armor that we construct also softens to some degree whenever we’re sleeping. Unpleasant feelings and memories that have been held within the body can more readily make their way to the surface during the times in our lives when we’re going through a breakup, having our abandonment issues triggered or faced with survival issues such as the loss of employment. These highly charged emotions can make it difficult for us to fall asleep. We may also find it difficult to stay asleep and wake up at times during the middle of the night or awaken too early in the morning.

MRI’s of people going through a breakup show increased in the areas of the brain associated with physical pain, reward, motivation, addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Fears of abandonment as well as the painful emotions that arise in response to a breakup also trigger the release of adrenaline and cortisol which is a steroid hormone. Adrenaline and cortisol interfere with our ability to sleep. The resulting sleep deprivation adds to our sense of emotional instability.

There were periods in my mid-twenties and on up until my early forties where I repeatedly found myself attracting and attracted to women who were either uninterested or unavailable. In some instances these women would reenact the traumas of my childhood and adolescence. What made it worse is that these patterns kept replaying themselves over and over again. The pain of not having my basic needs for love met was excruciating. My sleep was very irregular during these episodes. I would often fall asleep at various times of the day to compensate.

I would experience all kinds of fear, pain, feelings of loss along with a vast range of other intense emotions. I would experience physical pain throughout my chest and sometimes my entire body would ache. The emotions and physical pain were also accompanied with a wide range of sensations. I would sometimes experience these sensations all throughout my body.

Losing about half of my income when the economy crashed in 2008 triggered the worst of my survival fears. It felt as though the bottom had fallen out from underneath me. I would sometimes lay in bed for hours consumed by an overwhelming fear and anxiety and wonder how I was going to make it. There were many nights when I couldn’t fall asleep until two, three or four in the morning. I would often wake up during the middle of the night and it would take me a long time to go back to sleep. At other times I would wake up too early. The lack of sleep left me feeling exhausted, but I felt I had no choice but to keep pushing on.

I didn’t fully understand the process taking place as I found myself flooded with all kinds of painful emotions, but I had an intuitive sense that it was something I needed to go through. I made a conscientious effort to be fully present to the overwhelming fear and anxiety by breathing into the feelings as they arose. Breathing with my awareness fully immersed within the painful feelings activated the innate healing intelligence residing within my body and mind. Working my way through the intensity of emotion facilitated a profound transformation within. I grew stronger, became far more resourceful and experienced the kinds of changes that eventually made it possible for me to attract and be attracted to healthier companions.

I will sometimes lie in bed for hours breathing into all the feelings and sensations that arise. At other times I will get out of bed and then sit up in a chair while breathing into the feelings and sensations. I have learned to see these episodes as an opening because it gives me the opportunity to access feelings that would not otherwise be readily accessible. The more I can open myself to the feelings and experience them fully, the greater the transformation I experience. I have gained lots of creative insights as a result of staying fully present to the feelings and physical sensations that arose.

The intensity of emotion combined with the flood of adrenaline and cortisol and lack of sleep can be very hard on the body. We feel fatigued, frustrated, irritable and moody when our bodies are not able to get the sleep they need. Our energy is diminished, we find it difficult to concentrate and have difficulty performing everyday tasks. Failure to get adequate rest also weakens our immune system and that makes us more susceptible to many other health concerns.

We need to do certain practices and make use of various resources to mitigate the effects upon our body and mind. I found going out for long slow walks late in the evening to be very grounding. Breathing into the feelings as they arose during these walks would diffuse the emotions so that I got a better quality of sleep.

I had the opportunity to go through Pancha Karma with an Ayurvedic Physician when I lived in New Mexico. The combination of Ayurvedic diet and herbal remedies helped to balance my constitution. The emotions became more manageable, I felt more balanced and that made it easier to sleep. I also found that receiving acupuncture helped by balancing and restoring the healthy flow of the body’s chi or vital life force and the various organs and systems.

We need to be especially mindful of the foods we’re consuming while we’re in the midst of a breakup. We need to avoid foods or substances that contain caffeine and refined sugar as they tend to exacerbate our anxiety and confusion. Green leafy vegetables like kale contain folate, which produces dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps to keep us calm. Tryptophan found in turkey, nuts, seeds and eggs helps to produce serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of happiness and well-being. Omega-3 fatty acids found in salmon have anti-inflammatory properties that counteract the negative effects of cortisol. Antioxidants and phytonutrients found in berries improve our body’s response to stress by reversing or limiting damage resulting from free radicals. Pistachio nuts contain crucial phytonutrients that provide antioxidant support for the heart. Dark chocolate can help to reduce stress hormones such as cortisol. The antioxidants found in cocoa cause the walls of the blood vessels to relax, lowering blood pressure and increasing circulation. The vitamin D contained in milk can reduce the risk of panic disorder. Flax, pumpkin and sunflower seeds contain magnesium which can help to alleviate depression, fatigue and irritability. Zinc found in cashews has been found to reduce anxiety. And probiotics have been shown to reduce activity in the parts of the brain associated with stress responses.

I do want to offer a word of caution here. Acupuncture, Ayurvedic Medicine and diet are important components to our physiological and psychological health and yet there is no substitute for doing the deep level processing that we need to be doing to heal the deep emotional wounds. We still have to feel the feelings.

The various forms of therapeutic massage such as deep tissue body work can bring a lot of emotion to the surface. Having all these intense emotions flooding my awareness wasn’t at all pleasant. But having all these feelings brought to the surface so that I could access them made it easier for me to do the emotional processing that accelerated my healing.

The work I have done with a number of powerful healers and the vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out alone into the mountains to fast for four days and nights without food or water, has done more than anything to diffuse the intensity of emotion and heal the traumas of my own childhood and adolescence. I have become more resilient and have developed more of the resources I need to handle whatever comes along in life and process any subsequent emotions.

I generally sleep much better, but there are still nights every now and then where I have trouble falling asleep or wake up at some point during the night. It can definitely be an inconvenience, but I see it as an opportunity to heal the underlying disturbances operating within my own psyche.

Many of the people I work with tell me that they sleep better as a result of the individual healing sessions. The presence working through me during this process facilitates the digestion of past traumas and any subsequent emotions such as fear, grief, hurt and anger. The triggers associated with traumatic events are dismantled while building a much stronger and more stable foundation. Those who have the opportunity to work with me experience a greater sense of wellbeing as the body and mind becomes more physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually resilient.

©Copyright 2015 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.

Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.