Many of us suffer terribly as a result of being neglected, abandoned or abused by those entrusted to care for us during our childhood. Being abused as a child is bad enough. It would be so nice if we could just move on in our lives and leave the past behind. Sadly, these patterns of abuse often carry over into our adult relationships. We invariably end up attracting partners that say and do things that reinforce our childhood wounds.
Elements of our childhood innocence can stay with us throughout our adolescence and into adulthood. It’s our naiveté that sometimes makes us vulnerable to people that have the potential to inflict tremendous harm upon us. We open our hearts to these individuals and then they end up saying and doing things that evoke all kinds of painful feelings.
We all have legitimate needs to love and be loved. But the hurtful things our partners say and do keep us on a continual emotional rollercoaster. We try to make it right by talking the issues out, but then our partner keeps saying and doing things that causes us more pain and that deepens the cycle of traumatic bonding that leaves us feeling strung out emotionally.
We resist the horribly painful emotions by going up into our heads. Our thoughts become obsessive as we spin around in endless cycles of analysis in our attempt to make sense of what we’re going through. We come up with all kinds of distorted rationalizations to justify our partner’s behavior. And then we talk about our partners and how hurt and crazy they’re making us with anyone that we can get to listen. We’re trying to find relief from the pain, but we end up sucking the life out of those who have to listen.
Our continual analysis of everything our partners says and does is an attempt to maintain our sanity by gaining some sense of control of our relationships, ourselves and the feelings we’re experiencing. Spinning around in our thoughts is an incredibly dangerous practice in that it reinforces the disconnect from our feelings and physical bodies. Our obsessive thoughts also generate more and more painful emotion. These highly charged emotions end up getting trapped within our bodies. It’s this powerful emotional force that fuels the addiction that makes it so difficult for us to let go of an abusive partner.
The buildup of painful emotions within our body in combination with our tendency to dissociate erodes the faculties within our bodies and minds that would enable to process the hurt. We keep resisting all those horribly painful and crazy making feelings. And by shutting down emotionally we end up digging ourselves in deeper.
The pain we keep resisting continually reinforces our addiction to unavailable, narcissistic and otherwise abusive partners. We need to fully experience any feelings that arise in response to what our partners are doing. It is critically important for us to interrupt the pattern of obsessive thought. The first step of breaking out of the cycle of obsessive thought involves asking ourselves. “What are the deepest feelings behind all of these thoughts?” We need to notice what we’re feeling and where the feelings are situated within our body. We then need to breathe softly and deeply while fully immersing ourselves in the midst of any feelings or bodily sensations that arise. Our mind will invariably wander back into the obsessive thoughts. We need to keep interrupting the thoughts by returning to the underlying feelings. This process can be very difficult in the beginning and yet it becomes easier with practice.
The need for intervention
Breaking out of the cycle of abusive relationships requires a tremendous effort. Practices such as the one I described above are a critically important part of the process. Patterns of abusive relationships often become so deeply entrenched that we cannot heal completely on our own. We need specific interventions to facilitate the part of the healing process that we cannot do for ourselves.
Deep tissue bodywork helps brings the emotions stored within our bodies up to the surface so that they can be processed. Nourishing physical contact combined with the processing of our feelings helps us to develop a stronger connection with our physical bodies while freeing us from the cycle of addiction to abusive partners.
The trauma that we have experienced in abusive relationships gets hard wired into the body and mind. Working with a number exceptionally gifted healers and going on the vision quest, a traditional Native American healing practice that involves going out to fast alone in the mountains for four days and nights without food and water helped me to diffuse and then digest the traumas of my past and build the new foundation that has enabled me to attract healthier companions. Taking the steps to heal my own woundedness has enabled me to facilitate healing within others that are faced with the same issues.
People that are getting into relationships with abusive partners are holding huge amounts of painful emotion in their bodies. The pain that gets internalized often cause them to dissociate from their feelings and physical bodies. It also creates a lot of tension within the body. I can feel much of this tension deep within the internal organs. All of this toxic emotion and tension resulting from the chronic stress of being with an abusive partner is very damaging to the brain and the body’s other internal organs. It also does tremendous damage to the subtle bodies consisting of the chakras and layers of the aura.
People that work with me individually experience a gradual process of transformation that frees them from patterns of abusive partners and relationships. The presence working through me during the individual healing sessions does this by dissolving the many layers of many layers of tension and body armor. The addictive attachment to abusive partners lessens with each session as the painful emotions and other stresses are diffused and digested. Digesting the backlog of painful emotions enables them to become more fully present in their bodies. Healing the deep emotional wounds enables these individuals to develop a healthier relationship with themselves. Their intuitive senses grow stronger and that gives them a better sense of other people. Self-love and appreciation grows as they continue to progress in their healing. They naturally find themselves attracted to and attracting healthier partners as a result of the healing taking place within their bodies and minds.
Cover Image “Battered Woman on the Ever of Liberation” by Isabel Rooney http://isabel-rooney.sytes.net/index.html
©Copyright 2014 Ben Oofana. All Rights Reserved. This content may be copied in full, with copyright, creation and contact information intact, without specific permission.
Ben Oofana is a healer who began his training with Horace Daukei, one of the last surviving traditional doctors among the Kiowa Indian tribe. Call (913) 927-4281 to learn more or to schedule an individual session.
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